Everyone who knows me is aware of my unusual obsession with Postsecret.org. It was my home page for years and is the first site I visit, even before my email on a Sunday morning. And this one (an archive) rang particularly true for me right now.
This is partially the reason why I love PostSecret so much: all these people believe their secrets are so huge and awful that the only place they can send them is an anonymous website; they can't tell anyone in their lives, and yet, everyone shares the same secrets.
This one isn't what I feel always but there are always those times when people just make you look at them and feel... jaded. I think that's a definite NYC epidemic too, since as soon as I was ready to leave, that feeling lifted a bit, and made me feel that maybe things were possible again.
There's a weird nostalgia for me connected to Britain that I can't describe very well to anyone who doesn't understand growing up in England and living in the US. Though the language is the same in the countries, the culture is undeniably different.
It's not big things and not the things you'd assume: though I miss certain food items it's not nostalgic and though I get homesick for family, there are still phones. I guess it's the simplicity. The feeling of peace while we used to drive to my Nana's house every Sunday morning. Lazy Sundays driving around with my mum and dad. Salad sandwiches at Kirkstall Abby with Becks. Just lying with my dog on the swing outside, watching the day go by.
I can have these amazing experiences in NYC like clubbing until it's light outside, or margaritas on a Sunday, or brunch in a 3 starred Michelin restaurant. But in New York, things are always complicated. There always a dark cloud. Maybe it is the family thing, cos in Britain, there's always a silver lining, and no matter how bad things are going I can go and sit at home with my family and have a cup of sweet tea, and everything just feels better.
So this is a video from my window. On June 26th. In the summer.
Those flashes? That would be lightning.
And isn't it just a gorgeous dreary... gray color. Ugh.
It makes the house across the street look haunted. That's kind of fun.
I'm sat listening to trance/house music. It's not really my favorite music. I can tolerate it for Halloween or at Rachele's house but it's not to my taste. Then again, neither is (horrifically bad) clarinet playing. I still listened to it at 8:30am this morning however.
This, shock horror, is due to my upstairs neighbors. My upstairs neighbors are awake at all hours and listen to trance music for most of these hours. Make your own conclusions about what this implies about their habits and intake of medication. That aside, it is obviously problematic since I am not on any special medication that ensures I stay up 24 hours a day and require trance music to make me happy.
When I first moved in, I would politely ask them to quiet down the music. This rarely worked and it would just happen the next night anyway, so I quickly gave up. Out of frustration, I called 311 one night. Someone paid them a visit around 5am, when their music was still playing, but only weeks later, it's still happening.
Unfortunately there's an unwritten rule that 10am-10pm are out of bounds for noise complaints. Now, if it continues tonight, I will be calling 311. After two noise complaints, noisy neighbors get a summons. This seems fair as it forces them to put down noise-proof flooring or pay a high fine. If you intend to be inconsiderate and a horrific neighbor, expect to deal with it.
At this point, I cannot wait to get home, but for the sanity of whoever takes over my apartment, the gremlins upstairs will be getting a visit from the 311 men as soon as 10pm hits. I'm done accepting. I'm going to let them accept that they have consequences to every bad note on the clarinet and every decibel of trance.
4 years of my life are currently sat against my bedroom wall, waiting to be packed away. Meanwhile, today is father's day and I wish nothing more than that I'd done this 2 weeks ago. My dad opened his card and prezzie today and I let him know the last part was on its way when I come home in 2 weeks (an awesome addition which I will mention again when I give it to him lol). He texted back that his best prezzie was coming home in 2 weeks anyway. How much is that the best dad in the whole world?!
I cannot wait to be home. I thought this would be scary but its turning out to be a big relief. I don't have to hold up a hard edge anymore, I don't have to be cold with people upon meeting them cos it's likely they're out to fuck me over. I can just chill out and enjoy the present, without tears for the past, without fear for the future.
My life has taken on one of those seismic period shifts again, where everything suddenly changes and I know an era in my life is over. I loved this period but it's time to let go.
Oh, and the kid who adopted Coffee - has his picture as his blog background with a mood of 'Love'... perfect. :)
So I never expected to be saying this. 6 months ago I was in a very different place. I was between two guys. I had recently broken up with one in the worst possible way (re: he was a cheater) and I had literally sat wishing he would crawl under a rock and die. I then met a different guy who swept me away. He was everything a New York relationship isn't. He asked for exclusivity on the second date. He cooked dinner on Valentine's. He put me on the phone to talk with his dad. And then three months in texted me to break up. No joke. Because he didn't really want a relationship, after pushing it forward at every stage. I was crushed. I tried being friends with him. I tried hating him. I tried thinking maybe in the future. But it's all pointless. What he did was wrong but that's his problem and his problem to sort of his behavior and karma.
But I just had my iTunes on Random and one of the songs from that break up came on. My friend Katie had sent it to me after the break up. 'Unanswered Prayers' by Garth Brooks and I sat and cried the first time I heard it because I couldn't imagine what any possible G-d could be thinking putting me through two consecutive torturing endings. Suddenly it makes sense. I'm not meant to be here right now. I wouldn't be convinced by graduating: it had to take more and this just about did it. Now I have this overwhelming sense of relief to go home. Whether or not I stay in Britain forever, right now I need it. I need the people, I need the culture, I need the family and I need to be out of NY. I guess 'Unanswered Prayers' makes sense suddenly.
My flight is booked July 3rd. My electricity and gas get turned off the 1st, and everything gets removed the 30th. I get home on the 4th & ohmygod this is going so quickly. Oh, and now my rat has a new 'home' too (or at least a shelter to get her one without snakes).
Let's pause for a second.
OHMYGOD!
So after 4 years living in New York city and some of the stupidest, wildest, most fun, scariest experiences of my life, and I'm moving back home. I came to do what I set out to do: I made an amazing set of friends and got an honors degree from a top US university. I will never forget these years and they have made me ridiculously and overly strong and determined.
But alas, I miss home. I miss Heinz spaghetti bol, I miss calling umbrellas brollies and alleyways ginnels. I miss tea whenever anything goes wrong (oh, you're dying. I'll get you a cuppa sweet tea!), and I miss just sitting in a local pub on a Sunday without tourists taking pictures nearby. So in 3 weeks time I'm moving back.
I had my cat adopted yesterday and my rat will be adopted in next week. My gas company settles up on 15th and I'm arranging cable and electric next week. I have to close my bank account, ship anything I can, pack my suitcases, give away any good furniture in my apt and trash anything bad. And then I need to fly home.
This is a large reason why I made this site: keeping in touch with NY friends beyond facebook status updates. Of course, there will be phone calls and hopefully visits both ways, but this is a nice way to tell everyone what's happening all at once.
-Emily
