In my last relationship, the guy didn't have a Facebook. By some weird turn of events he, at 22, had never made one. Now, the guy I dated before him didn't either but at 29 that was more acceptable. As a result, I was the one who made his Facebook for him.
Now this guy was in his first relationship out of a failed marriage with me (yes, at 22) and so there was definitely a rebound effect going on. I can't criticize too much because I too had just broken up with someone, and considering they had cheated and gotten engaged to the other one three weeks after our break-up, I wasn't exactly in the best place either.
So, in our rebound states, on the second date, he asked if we could refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend now. This has never happened to me before in NYC. There is a dating etiquette here that says unless its headed for marriage, that kind of terminology is very risky. Out of some sort of sick curiosity as to 'What will happen?' I agreed. It was fun and silly. But by the time we sat and made his Facebook, it was therefore already at 'In a relationship' stage.
Now, if he had already had a Facebook this wouldn't have been an issue because it wouldn't have happened that quick: Facebook relationship statuses just make it too complicated (no pun intended) to be getting into a relationship that quick. If my 9th grade teacher is going to find out I'm dating someone in NYC while she sits at her computer in England, that person better be worth it.
This is something that five years ago, no one had to worry about. When you got in a new relationship, you plus a few close friends probably knew. There are of course, benefits and disadvantages to this. As a fairly jealous person, the staking the claim aspect certainly has its benefits: the guy before the ex couldn't have cheated for two years if he had a relationship status to contend with. That said, a relationship status also causes the awkward 'Where is this going?' question into a whole new level of early.
Usually, announcing to the world that you're with someone happens once in your life (or more if you're the get the ring, get the money type: I'm not judging. Much): when you intend to marry the person. But Facebook has made it so you announce when maybe you're no longer single, maybe 'it's complicated' and when you take that first scary step of using the bf/gf words, you use them to 600 people that you may have only met once.
There is another aspect of the relationship status that can really bite you in the butt too. Putting 'In a relationship' out there is at least vaguely fun, especially if the guy is a looker. But when things go sour only a few months down the line and the rebound guy didn't work. Yeah. Your 9th grade teacher knows that too.
Plus, who does it? The breaker upper or the broken up with? That's some nasty politics and can make you the jackass or the victim to a couple of hundred of people. With rebound guy, he broke up with me via text. Which considering his level of maturity in marrying a girl at 18, shouldn't have been a shock but retrospect is always a kicker. That aside, I obviously was not a happy person.
I took the relationship status to single. And in an uncharacteristically embarrassing emotional display wrote a nasty little status about him. Which turned into a status war with him. Which right now is hilarious but at the time... ouch. In addition, since my friends could see this little outbreak, half of them deleted him, half of them called me yelling about him and one messaged him for me. Threatening him. To this day, the most awesome show of support after a break-up.
This again, is the double edged sword. While there are inarguably benefits to public break-ups such as widespread sympathy and hatred to the guy, along with quick invention of hilarious nicknames for them (to talk about them via Wall-to-Wall) and posting fabulous happy photos only a couple of days later, it also makes the break-up way more drawn out than necessary.
I'm a great believer in half the time you were dating is the recovery time unless there's a rebound in between, which significantly shortens the healing process, yet with rebound guy it took longer. Let's guess why. First he deleted me on Facebook after one too many of my hilarious underhanded jokes on Facebook (April Fools Day - how can I resist you?), then we decided to be friends. And so were friends on Facebook again. And then he kept me up on his Top Friends for ages. Which was confusing and made any residual feelings stick annoyingly around.
Until finally, I asked him to remove me from his Top Friends. When he did, I blocked him. And within a week was over it. As Social Media goes, this has been its biggest effect with me, which makes sense since in the past I never put up my relationships since I was 'married' to my best friend, until we fell out and divorced. Right now though, I'm thinking I should propose to her again. Except for now she's my sister on Facebook too...
So I never expected to be saying this. 6 months ago I was in a very different place. I was between two guys. I had recently broken up with one in the worst possible way (re: he was a cheater) and I had literally sat wishing he would crawl under a rock and die. I then met a different guy who swept me away. He was everything a New York relationship isn't. He asked for exclusivity on the second date. He cooked dinner on Valentine's. He put me on the phone to talk with his dad. And then three months in texted me to break up. No joke. Because he didn't really want a relationship, after pushing it forward at every stage. I was crushed. I tried being friends with him. I tried hating him. I tried thinking maybe in the future. But it's all pointless. What he did was wrong but that's his problem and his problem to sort of his behavior and karma.
But I just had my iTunes on Random and one of the songs from that break up came on. My friend Katie had sent it to me after the break up. 'Unanswered Prayers' by Garth Brooks and I sat and cried the first time I heard it because I couldn't imagine what any possible G-d could be thinking putting me through two consecutive torturing endings. Suddenly it makes sense. I'm not meant to be here right now. I wouldn't be convinced by graduating: it had to take more and this just about did it. Now I have this overwhelming sense of relief to go home. Whether or not I stay in Britain forever, right now I need it. I need the people, I need the culture, I need the family and I need to be out of NY. I guess 'Unanswered Prayers' makes sense suddenly.
